A Therapist’s Guide To Working Through a Broken Heart
Written by Therapist Eve Josephson, LMSW at Wavelength Psychotherapy
KEY POINTS:
Breakups are an unfortunate part of reality.
A breakup can mean a lot of changes, unpleasant feelings, and tough decisions.
There are practical tips for how to heal from heartbreak.
Therapy provides a safe space to process a breakup and past relationship trauma.
Your heart was broken, either as the one dumped or the dumpee. Now what?
Unfortunately, all of the romantic comedy sequences in which an ex-partner runs through an airport (hello, how is everyone getting through security so easily?!) are mostly fallacies.
As much as I adore the movie Love Actually, there is no chance a cute 11-year-old will make it past the Transportation Security Administration at Heathrow Airport! This is one of many examples of popular culture presenting misguided expectations of romance.
So, what's our reality?
The Reality of a Breakup Can Look Like Several Things:
A lot of tears, if you are like me
A variety of coping mechanisms, like throwing all your energy into your work or a delicious pint of Häagen-Dazs
Debating when you feel “ready” to recreate your dating profile
Your friends and family shamelessly talking sh*t about your recent significant other (This can be helpful and illuminating, but it can lead us to some insecure thoughts like, “Have they been thinking about this the entire time we were dating?”)
Feeling a sense of loss (You didn’t just lose the “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” title; you may feel you’ve lost your best friend, your partner, and your Netflix-and-chill person. It can feel lonely. Grieving is part of the process!)
Having to restructure your future (Did you picture yourself engaged within the next year? Did you finally think your parents’ relentless nagging about grandchildren would end? Not happening anymore.)
It Is Hard to Feel Whole Again After a Breakup
How do we recollect ourselves and start from square one? It’s not easy.
Breakups are even more stressful when others are breathing down our necks about where our relationship stands. Sorry, Mom—just because you and Dad dated for seven days before getting engaged doesn’t mean it’s my destiny. You’d think by now we’d realize we’re not living in the 1950s anymore.
As a psychotherapist, I work with people who are going through real heartbreaks. My clients come to me with the desire to feel whole again. For one client, this meant finding happiness outside of her relationship by focusing on friendships, family, and hobbies. For another client, it meant acknowledging that his needs were not being met in his previous relationship. He wasn't listened to or made to feel like an equal.
Love Is Magic, and Heartbreak Is the Price We Sometimes Pay
I always want to honor any client’s past or present relationship by exploring its nuances without false promises of perfection or a happy ending. I combine the wisdom from my own experience with the best of psychology.
The psychology behind breakups has been extensively researched and studied, and new reports constantly emerge. Regardless of research, to this therapist, love is magic, and heartbreak is the price we sometimes pay.
The idea that “time heals all wounds” can be overly simplistic. Likewise, our cultural responses to heartbreak are insufficient. Often, people don’t know what to say to someone going through a breakup; we offer meaningless platitudes to wish it away sooner.
Heartbreak can be profoundly illuminating, whether you’re witnessing it or personally experiencing romantic rejection. Looking inward, taking time to reflect, and processing the grief allows us to become more loving and understanding human beings in all of our connections.
Working through emotional scars from past relationships with a psychotherapist can help you to observe and understand your thoughts and feelings. Over time, I’ve found that a handful of solutions are particularly effective for individuals suffering from heartache.
Short-Term Solutions For Healing From Heartache:
Don’t idolize your ex.
Some refer to it as revisionist history, and we all like to do it. However, relationships take two to create a system, and he/she/they can't have been a total angel if it didn't work out. It's important to be easy on ourselves, but you wouldn't be here if what you had was so perfect.
Processing the break up includes many emotions, even anger for some. Throw on some sad music and process it. Feel less alone in your suffering and sit with your feelings rather than pushing them away.
Get up!
Or, in more therapeutic terms, consider behavioral activation. Sitting in our sadness can be so easy–sometimes, it even feels good! But we need to get moving. I’m not talking about a trip to Paris. It’s about small, actionable moments. Find activities, alone or with company, that bring you pleasure and schedule them into your week.
Watching the game with a friend or trying a new restaurant will suffice. Even making your bed can help you feel productive during a hard time. Going through my breakup, I found that attending a workout class and meeting a friend afterward was a 10/10 evening. I did this as often as my schedule allowed because I knew it would make me feel better!
Lean on friends, family, or whoever you consider to be your support circle.
You’ve been someone else's shoulder to cry on; now it’s your turn. I often find people are scared to be a burden or unleash their emotions, when ultimately, being able to verbalize how you are feeling in a supportive space is so important to moving forward. People who love you want to support you and see you feel better.
Focus on YOU.
Want to start dating in a month? Two months? There is no timeline. The breakup is not only a chance to reconsider behaviors and patterns in a relationship; it is a time to focus on you! Let this be your year. Find out what you need, want, and desire out of your career, your friends, your future relationship, and most importantly yourself. This time brings opportunities for growth.
Delete those pictures!
Get those reminders of your ex out of your field of vision! If it's on Instagram, archive it. If it's on your iPhone, send it to a hidden album. And let's not go down the casual social media rabbit hole. Why do I know what my ex's current fling's aunt did three Christmases ago? WHY! (But for real, she went to Bermuda, and it looked stunning.) Social media stalking keeps us in the cycle of pain and protest and can be a trigger. So, mute/block/erase them.
My tip: go out to dinner with a trusted friend and have her do the dirty work on your phone while you wait for your next drink.
Don’t hold on to the rejection.
How many dates have you been on with perfectly nice, attractive individuals who aren’t a match? Nothing has to be wrong for a relationship to end. It is important to remember that this rejection does not define you or your worth.
Recognize your individual strengths.
I’m sure there was a time when the idea of not being with this person, whoever they are, was the worst thing ever. For me, I thought I’d stop breathing if my boyfriend were to break up with me. And guess what? My greatest fear came true, and I was still standing.
Even if you are unsure of how to move forward, stop to remind yourself that you are getting through it, one day at a time. Hopefully, your ex is moving on as well.
Letting go of suffering will allow your pain to decrease over time, allowing you to feel ready to find love again.
Therapy Provides a Safe and Honest Space to Process a Breakup
Breakups are unique to each couple and can involve complex challenges, such as moving out, transitioning friend groups, and how to end a relationship with your ex’s family. But the truth is, that all relationships are complicated and involve behavioral awareness and self-reflection.
The above tips are meant to be a simple list of short-term interventions. The most valuable part of working with clients throughout a breakup is watching them find themselves again after the pain subsides, and they can find joy in life again.
Are you struggling through a breakup and wanting to process your feelings in a safe and honest space? Schedule a consultation with Wavelength Psychotherapy! Our psychotherapists offer couples therapy and individual psychotherapy in NYC and NJ. We are here for you.
Eve
Eve Josephson, LMSW, is a mental health professional who is married and lives in NYC. Her therapeutic approach is highly humanistic and full of humor. When not on Zoom calls or in the downtown Wavelength Psychotherapy office, you can find her trying various restaurants on the Upper East Side with her dog in tow.
